Relatively Speaking, the new evening of comic one-acts by Woody Allen, Elaine May and Ethan Coen, has just opened on Broadway, and all I can say is…oy! That this level of writing talent--not to mention an estimable cast of many comedic pros--could produce such a lethargic, laugh-free evening is a mystery and a tremendous disappointment.

Truth be told, none of the authors’ playwriting efforts, at least in recent years, has been particularly good—there’s a good reason that May doesn’t include the Broadway flop Taller Than a Dwarf in her credits. But there were high hopes for this production directed by actor John Turturro.

Coen’s relatively brief curtain-raiser, Talking Cure, is as baffling as it is unfunny. The first scene depicts the charged interaction between a surly mental hospital patient (Danny Hoch)--a postal office worker who went postal on a customer--and a psychiatrist (Jason Kravits). The action then segues to a suburban home in the 1950s, where a long-married couple (Allen Lewis Rickman, Katherine Borowitz), presumably the patient’s parents, is squabbling. None of it makes much of an impression.

May’s seemingly interminable (actually, a little more than 50 minutes) George is Dead marks the welcome return of Marlo Thomas to the Broadway stage. Unfortunately, the actress, who looks stunning at age 73, is trapped in the one-note role of Doreen, a wealthy socialite who has just lost her husband in a skiing accident. Infantile and helpless, she shows up at the apartment of Carla (Lisa Emery), the daughter of the nanny she had as a child. There she makes endless selfish demands on her host, who is in the middle of a vicious argument with her husband (Grant Shaud). It’s a one-joke premise, and the joke isn’t funny at that.

Allen’s contribution demonstrates that the veteran funnyman hasn’t lost his ability to craft amusing one-liners. They flow fast and furiously in Honeymoon Hotel, but the thin sketch feels like a relic, something that definitely wouldn’t have passed muster at Your Show of Shows, where the young Allen worked as a writer. It concerns a middle-aged novelist, Jerry (Steve Guttenberg), who runs off with his son’s nubile bride-to-be (Ari Graynor) on their wedding day, only to be pursued to the tacky titular setting by numerous interested parties. They include Jerry’s furious wife (Caroline Aaron); his best friend (Shaud); the jilted bridegroom (Bill Army); the bride’s parents (Julie Kavner, Mark-Linn Baker); the clueless rabbi (Richard Libertini) and Jerry’s hapless shrink (Kravits). Eventually, a Brooklynese-talking pizza delivery man (Hoch) shows up to impart some working-class wisdom to the self-absorbed group.

Even with some admittedly funny jokes and a dream cast of supporting comic players (where has the great Libertini been all these years?), the piece feels strained and vacuous. And considering Allen’s own controversial romantic issues, it also comes across as more than a little bit tacky.

Not helping matters is the leaden direction by Turturro, who based on this evidence doesn’t seem to have a comic bone in his body. Although to be fair, not even a Mike Nichols or Gene Saks would have been able to bring anything to these futile exercises.

Brooks Atkinson Theatre, 256 W. 47th St. 877-250-2929. www.ticketmaster.com.